After my last entry, I went to see Shawn one night and ended up sleeping with him. He wouldn't kiss me (because I was "sick") and the whole experience was less than satisfactory. I went back to my boyfriend of the time but ended up breaking up with him for my boyfriend now, Manny. Manny and I got together in early September. I finally have a relationship that is healthy and functional. I feel good about it all the way through. A couple days ago Shawn sent me a message on MySpace:
"Still lookin sexy as ever see the new man I hope he do it better than me.{but of course you would say he does}I know you. The daddy of all daddies and you know it. Don't think i'am comin at your head. I just miss you seen the face wondering how you doing"
It made me mad and I started crying. I had conveniently forgotten about him. But he made me realize how much I love and appreciate Manny. I told Lara about it and she said:
"wow someone got jealous. i guess hes trying to look cool and calm even tho hes probly not lol. ppl will always want what they cant have, and he cant have u cuz he knows he fucked it up and he doesnt and never will deserve you. it probly eats him up inside that another guy is treating u right and doesnt even have to try!"
No one could have said it better.
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So yeah I finally found what I needed and its nice then he calls me and tells me it's time to come home. What kind of loser calls his ex-girlfriend and tells her it's time to come home to him? Asshole. And why do we want to go home? Because it FEELS like home. And because u never stopped thinking about him. So do I give up the boy who is so good to me, we always have a good time, nice car (I always get to drive and blast whatever music I want hehe), good job, bright future, etc etc, for the loser who I can't even come up with something nice I wanna say about him except he really knows how to fuck (whoopdeedo). No. We don't. Fuck him. Should I fuck him? Lol no no no. What to do. I have to find some way to get him out of my life, because I can't take him calling me every now and then and fucking with my mind by telling me to come home. That when I'm ready I need to pack my bags and come home. How stupidly assholishly romantic. I hate him.. But he can fuck like nothing uve ever had. Well most people who pimp for a living can so why am I surprised. Anyways, this is just my rant don't pay much attention Im not leaving my beautiful Jamaican boy for this old American pimp Flava flav wanna be (haha thats mean he's hotter than that.. hes hotter than everything) but it just sucks that he's got to always fuck with my mind. Its cuz I love him so much. I really do. And I can't stop thinking about him ever. But thats something people don't understand, love isn't everything. Maybe someday daddy, just not today. Go play with ur three kids and try to forget about me like Im trying to forget about u. (I love u "never stopped never will" Daddy's little girl) Asshole.
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| Date: | 2006-07-04 11:18 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
She like to smoke
(Still I luv her)
She like to drink
(Still I luv her)
She like to pop
(Still I luv her)
She like to fuck
(Still I luv her man)
(P$C ft Young Dro)
[Ciara]
They say he do a little of this
He do a little of that
He's always in trouble, and I heard
He ain't nothing but a pimp
He got a lot of chicks
He's always in the club
And they say, he think he's slick
He got a lot of chips
He's so messed up, I heard
He's been locked up find Somebody else
He ain't nothing but a thug
But So what
So what
So what
So what
[Field Mob]
And they say I'm a slut, I'm a hoe, I'm a freak
I got a different girl every day of the week
You too smart to
You'd be a dummy to believe
That stuff that you heard
That they say about me
They say I done this
They said I done that
But all of it's fiction none of it's facts
But you don't be hearing that about your love
You let it go in one ear and out the other
The he say, she say, they say, I heard
The beef ain't, we can't let it get on our nerves
She miserable, she just want you to be
Like her misery needs company
So don't listen to that vine of grapes there
Nothing but liars hating I bet
They wouldn't mind trading places
With you by my side in my Mercedes
[Ciara]
They say he do a little of this
He do a little of that
He's always in trouble, and I heard
He ain't nothing but a pimp
He got a lot of chicks
He's always in the club
And they say he think he's slick
He got a lot of chips
He's so messed up, I heard
He's been locked up Find Somebody else
He ain't nothing but a thug
But So what
So what
So what
So what
[Field Mob]
Mo' money mo' problems
Life of a legend
Haters throw salt like rice at a wedding
So what, that's your cousin
That don't mean nothing
Her like missing in a tight of affection
You get, you just blind to the facts
See the lies, just obvious drives for attention
You to the fine just supply your suspicious
But listen, say you love me
Gotta trust me
Why you stress this high school mess
Break up never, they just jealous
Drama for your mama, mean mug for your brother
I'm the author of the book nigga judge by the cover, yes
I been to jail, yes
I'm grinding for real and
I'm positive, they talking negative pimp
They hate to see you doing better then them, so
[Ciara]
They say he do a little of this
He do a little of that
He's always in trouble, and I heard
He ain't nothing but a pimp
He got a lot of chicks
He's always in the club
And they say he think he's slick
He got a lot of chips
He's so messed up, I heard
He's been locked up Find Somebody else
He ain't nothing but a thug
But So what
So what
So what
So what
[Ciara]
Some people don't like it
'Cause you hang out in the streets
But you're my boyfriend
You've always been here for me
This love is serious
No matter what people think
I'm gon' be here for you
And I don't care what they say
Some people don't like it
'Cause you hang out in the streets
But you're my boyfriend
You've always been here for me
I like the thug in you
No matter what people think
I'm gon' be here for you
And I don't care what they say
[Ciara]
He do a little of this
He do a little of that
He's always in trouble, and I heard
He ain't nothing but a pimp
He got a lot of chicks
He's always in the club
And they say he think he's slick
He got a lot of chips
He's so messed up, I heard
He's been locked up Find Somebody else
He ain't nothing but a thug
But So what
So what
So what
So what
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How come it seems the only way for me to break away from a failing relationship is to find another?
After all this time of fucking around looking for something in the wrong places, I found something. And even if it turns out to be nothing, it is giving me an ounce of hope. Maybe I really can find him.
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Oh I'd be in trouble if you left me now
Cuz I donno how to look for love -
I just don't know how..
It started off, we were two peas in the pod
Motivated by love with the blessings of God
We were head over heels in this love thing
Funny ain't it thinkin back, our friends thought it was just a fling
I used to call you on the phone, late night tip
Mackin to you in your ear, conversation well equipped
I used to make you laugh, I used to make you smile
I gave you everything, aimin to please
But I guess it wasn't enough, 'cause now you ready to leave
But don't go baby.
Oh I'd be in trouble if you left me now
Cuz I donno how to look for love -
I just don't know how..
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"Say that you want me
Say that you'll never leave me
You gotta tell me you need me
Don't let them take your love away."
"Don't say the words then take them back."
I feel so full of toxins. No matter what I eat or do, I'm still poisonous. The air that fills me is acidic and empty. My actions reinforce this. I can't stop messing up. Sometimes I do it by mistake, and sometimes I can't resist it and do it knowingly. I wish I still had someone to keep my reputation clean, but he's gone now. And my body is dirty because I made him leave. I keep looking for someone to fix my broken being, but I can't find anybody. They all just mess it up more. They try: They poke and prod and inquire. But in the end, I'm still broken.
What color was my aura? I believe it was yellow and orange. Now it's a dark blue. Not even purple; purple represents someone who maybe is lost, but by no means worthless. Dark blue is leading the way to black, to worthlessness.
"You'll end up killing all the love you have inside."
Ps: I miss Marcus.
Maybe he could fix me, if he wasn't broken too.
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I think almost everyone in my generation and a few generations earlier is going to end up alone. I'm pretty sure I will. I know I'll have a lot of relationships, or some really good ones that last a long time, but ultimately it will just be me. No one stays together anymore. Somehow it's not possible in this world. Shawn disagrees. I think he may end up with somebody, just because girls seem to do anything and deal with anything for him. But maybe that's the best we can expect. Maybe I just need to learn to deal with shit because otherwise I'll end up alone. Although women have told me to never settle. But I no longer have any secure base to work from.
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I feel like with each new relationship I have it is healthier and more satisfying than the one before. But with the passing of each relationship I loose something too, something I can never have again. Each relationship is unique, I know. I don't want to go back to those times, yet even though I am now happier, it is disheartening to know that that one thing from that love I'll never have again. It just feels like nothing can ever be complete because you simply cannot have it all.
I think there were many reasons that Shawn and I weren't working for so long. For one, I think it just took so long for me to realize that he wasn't Billy. Secondly, I don't think he really appreciated me or wanted to put any work in. And third, I think I've always been in relationships so I would be happy. Not that I didn't love or care about the person, just that I expected that person to solely make me happy. It worked with Billy, maybe because I was younger and expected different things. But with Shawn, na uh. He failed in that sense. But I did too. To expect one person to make you happy is unfair and unrealistic. Somehow along the way he realized I was something to fight for and I realized I need to make myself happy. Sure, he brings me tons of happiness and confidence, but if I don't already have a base for him to work from, this will go nowhere. I want to be in a relationship WITH him, together. I don't want to be so selfish about things anymore. And I'm not, I'm already getting there. Every day is new and I know I can do it. And no matter where Shawn and I go, he will have helped me get here.
Anyways, now Billy really is locked up. What is the world doing to my best friend? God stay with him, please.
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I just wanna be happy again. The happy I had before, where my future was decided and I didn't have to worry about things. Security. Something I'm not sure with all his hood ideals he can give me. I'm so used to men being desperate to be with me they'd do anything to keep me happy. But he doesn't. All I do is complain, but there are good times, where he makes me feel so good anything is possible. Until he hurts me again. And again. "If he isn't giving you that little bit of strength to love yourself and him, then you've got to let it go." Is he?
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I feel that my relationship with Billy didn't work because we didn't play games. We were too straight forward. After all this shit with Shawn, it's like I've said to him, "I can be without you and now you can't have this," and he's like "Now I want it." He'll do all the right things as long as he's chasing me, like I have to keep him interested by playing games or taking charge. It's like by letting Billy have all the control it messed things up. I just wish it could be real without games and still work. And passionately. I guess I just want everything!
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Yes I and I are kings in this jungle
Sitting oh so high and somber
I've seen so many fall
And they stumble along the way.
Sometimes the ones you love the most are the ones who bring you down, and once they're gone you are free. I miss Shawn, lots, but now that it's all over and I no longer live in wondering, I am free.
Sunday night he said he was going to come over, as usual, but never called me back, so I went home sad. He wasn't answering his phone so I left him a message saying "I don't know why you wanna make me so sad, I've never had anyone in my life who made me so sad. I guess you did get caught up. I can't talk to you now so I guess.. I donno. Every time you do this shit I wonder how many more times I can take it before I really give up on you. But I love you so I'll believe that you really got caught up. It just hurts that there are so many things more important than me for you to get caught up in."
Monday night he called and I was angry with him. We got in a fight, him telling me I had an "attitude" and I'd "better cut it out." After I continued to be upset, he said he wasn't "fuckin'" with me tonight and he'd call me tomorrow. I started to beg him to just come over and see me, that I needed him to be there as I started crying. He kept saying no, no, no as I told him how much I needed him. Again he said he wasn't going to deal with me tonight and he'd call me tomorrow and he hung up. I tried to call him back thirty times but he wouldn't answer. I realized that if he could sit on the phone and listen to me cry that he really didn't care that much about me. He betrayed me, so I knew that was it.
Tuesday he called me, talking like nothing was wrong. I was cold so he said "you don't wanna talk to me right now?" I said no and he said he'd just call me later. I said "why?" He was surprised. I said "don't bother calling me, I have nothing to talk to you about." He said "Okay whatever you..." I hung up. He called me an hour later. And two times after that. And again later that night. I ignored them all.
Wednesday as I was leaving to go to dinner with the crew I heard someone yell "Yo!" trying to get someones attention. I looked around but didn't see anyone. A minute later Shawn called. And again two minutes after. He left me a message saying he just needed to get something from my house and then he'd be "out of my way."
I've decided next time he calls I'll answer and tell him when he can get his stuff.
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There's always a reason you stick with someone. Even if you think you shouldn't, somehow you can't stay away. And maybe that's not bad. It is weird for me to be so afraid to be in a relationship. I know I have a hard time being faithful, that's the stage I'm at. But after that night, sex is over-rated, and that feeling you get after you have sex with someone who doesn't give a shit about you is.. nothing I want to experience again. Maybe I'll tell people some day. Someday. Maybe I can be faithful now, it just takes work. And I want to. Being with someone who "love[s] you to death" is something no one should take for granted. As I do.
You are Heroin (aka: smack, dope, brown sugar...).
You are the most dangerous drug between all
other kinds. You are bold, deep, dark,
mysterious, have your own world. You are
classified as class (A) illegal drugs.
What kind of Drugs are you? and how that reflect your personality?
brought to you by Quizilla
I've been down every road you could go
I made some bad choices as you know,
Seems I have the whole world cradled in my hands
But it's just like me not to understand..
(Pink)
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I know when you are in love with someone, all you want to do is be with that person. Every time you are sad, lonely, afraid, happy, anything, you wish to share it with this person. A beautiful song, a slight breeze, all make you think of that someone you love. Everything tastes dull without this person, every happy moment is lacking when they are away. Time with your friends feels simply like time away from your lover, and no sacrifice is too great to make for them. That's love. And that's how I know Shawn doesn't love me. Maybe he wants to, maybe he thinks he does, but I know he doesn't feel that way. Lauren said to me, "...if I was a guy that loved you I'd be really upset if you saw Shawn... He just doesn't deserve you... It's upsetting to see you with someone who doesn't appreciate you. It's a waste." It is too. At least I'm not with him anymore, not officially. He called me and told me he was taking me out this Friday. "You deserve it," he says. I said, "Yeah I do." But I don't believe him. We'll see, like always. I know I've got to lose him soon. I'm getting there. And it's funny, when I'm feeling down, all I want is Shawn.. Until I remember that when he is around he doesn't comfort me. Then I think of Sandro. From the first day I met him, he was comforting to me. Something little just put me at ease, like things were alright.
I know my soul is hiding deep within me. In this new world I face daily, it does not accompany me. I walk through this world like everyone else now: soulless, hard, void of compassion. The only people who now bring my soul out from hiding are my family. And Billy. I remember how close to God's graces I was when I was with Billy. Seeing Billy the other day was refreshing, actually. It made me remember how good things can be. We talked about old times, laughed about good memories. Talked like we always did. I had forgotten how wise he is. Everything he says awakens your soul, and it awakened mine. I think that's why I cried the other day after Shawn left. Now that my soul is awake, it feels, and let's my heart feel. With Shawn, I am forced to smother my soul to deal. It is so hard to explain, even to yourself, why you must leave something so amazing so that you may find yourself amid all this grime. All I know is that God knew I needed a taste of true love so that I didn't settle for second rate love in my life. Even though Billy wasn't meant to be forever, or at least not yet, he was definitely meant to be. I can see now how much was taught to me by being with him. I know I am able to find myself now. I have a long way to go from this shit I have now, to where I need to be. Will be. But already I can see a change. But must I lose my soul to find myself?
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I think no matter what you are going to be let down. This is probably a fact of life, that people will let you down. I've known this, I was just unaware as to how much and how many people will let you down. And of course, the people I want to be with the most are the ones who constantly let me down. I have such a yearning for them.
I saw Billy yesterday, on his birthday. My boy is 27 years old. I saw everyone: Billy, Niva, Luckner, Whitney, Fabienne, Jimmy, Dad, Mom, Dominique, Veronika, Diana, Shadea, Ace, and the new one Jaden. I had a really good time, I forgot how much fun it is to be with those people. So many men treat me like a woman, but they treat me like I'm a person. I miss that.
I'm running out of words. There are so many things I need to express but they won't come out. And the thing I miss the most right now? Shawn's arms. I don't know why shit is so hard. I can't let him know I love him, because then he won't come around as much. If he thinks there's a chance I don't wanna see him, he'll come right away. I miss him.
I keep fallin' in and out of love with you sometimes I love you sometimes I'm blue sometimes I glow inside other times you make me cry tell me what am I to do I'm so confused. I keep fallin' in and out of love with you I never loved someone the way that I love you. I never felt this way tell me why I feel this way how do you give me such pleasure and pain and when I think I've taken all any fool can endour that's when I start to fall for you once more. In love out of love in love and out of love up and down and back I fall.
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I think the reason I can feel more comfortable with black men is because they don't expect girls to be perfect. They know that all girls come with expectations and a certain amount of stress. All girls are high maintenance, at least the good ones are. White men have this notion that there is that perfect woman out there who does whatever you want, is smart, funny, and submissive. They get scared of a girl with heart. Black men seem to be the only ones who can handle me.
Anyway, I've decided I need an open relationship. No more cheating. First it was just once, then just twice when I was mad at him. There's Kem, Heldr, Curtis, Rob, Steve, and Lee. So, cheating with six different men (not all sex) is not "just" six times. That shit doesn't make sense. And it's wrong.
Lara asked me to explain to her how you can love someone and still cheat on them. I said that there is a fact when it comes to cheating on someone you love: You may love them, but you do not love them ENOUGH to not cheat.
I love Shawn. I do. But not enough to not cheat. Not the way I loved Billy. When I was in love with B, I would never cheat because I cared and loved enough. That's the difference.
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| Date: | 2006-01-28 13:07 |
| Subject: | Jah provide the bread. |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  cheerful | | Music: | Bob Marley - Is This Love (Legend) |
It is bittersweet when everything falls into place. Sweet because everything feels so right, and bitter because you know it will turn sour at some point down the line. But I am determined to enjoy my fortune at this time until it runs out, to the very end.
I wanna love you
I wanna love and treat you, love and treat you right
I wanna love you everyday and every night
We'll be together
With the roof right over our heads
We'll share the shelter of my single bed
We'll share the same room
Jah provide the bread
Is this love is this love is this love that I'm feeling?
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| Date: | 2006-01-18 20:35 |
| Subject: | Make it go away... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  contemplative | | Music: | Maxwell - This Woman's Work |
Oh darling
Make it go
Make it go away
Give me those moments
Give them back to me
Give me that little kiss
Give me your
Give me your hand
I know you've got a little life in you yet
I know you've got a lot of strength left
I know you've got a little life in you yet
I know you've got a lot of strength left
I should be crying but I just can't let it show
I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking
Of all the things we should've said that we never said
All the things we should've done that we never did
All the things that you wanted from me
All the things that you needed from me
All the things I should of given but I didn't
Oh darling
Make it go away
Just make it go away now.
(Maxwell)
Ps: I'm sitting here with one man, wishing I was with the man I'm in love with, and missing the only man I ever felt was meant to be.
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| Date: | 2006-01-14 18:34 |
| Subject: | For The Babies |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | happy | | Music: | Damian Marley - For The Babies (Welcome To Jamrock) |
Now I see them giving the woman abortion to kill another baby
Miscarriage and misfortune and premature crack baby
Strength of Rastafari I'm hoping someday maybe
They don't obey their parents
Maybe they will obey me
Future for the babies
Hopes for the babies
Tomorrow for the babies
No sorrow for the babies
Babies having babies
Raising our babies
All of these young ladies
Give them thanks and praises
How long can she take it?
Dreams are full of maybes
Will she ever make it?
Hustles on a daily
In the club a shake it
Strip down ‘til she naked
Don't ever mistake it
Much too real to fake it
Need it then she'll take it
She'll do it for the babies
A mother's love is sacred
Now you don't ever fail me
A woman needs caring, sharing, love all the time (no don't you ever fail me)
A child needs loving, caring…
Is there no other option than adoption for you babies
You're raffling and jacketing and auctioning your babies
Strength of Rastafari I'm hoping someday maybe
They don't obey their parents maybe they will obey me.
Cowards play the game thing
Fathers do the brave thing
And that's participating
He keeps on concentrating
There is no debating
No running away thing
A new life is awakening
From his ejaculating
It's in the oven baking
Takes two for the making
He's right there through the cravings
And early morning waking
School and educating
Sports and recreating
Karate and ballet thing
Teenager of today thing
Fathers still relating
Still communicating
And they'll always embrace him
Cause they cannot replace him
A woman needs caring, sharing, love all the time (cause they cannot replace him)
A child needs loving, caring…
And always do your best to keep a promise to your babies
And if you can't be good at least be honest to your babies
The strength of Rastafari I'm hoping someday maybe
They don't obey their parents maybe they will obey me
History of the babies
Beginning of the ages
You're flipping through the pages
And up and through the 80's
Some are gang related
Drug affiliated
Some intoxicated
Headed for the snake pit
And Papa's locked in cages
And Mama's lacking wages
And this is what they're faced with
Upon a daily basis
Bleaching out dem faces
Running from dem races
Shooting up dem places
Killing other babies
As bitter as the taste is
And words cannot explain it
Just walk the narrow pavement
And speak of love not hatred.
Ps: Falling in love is one of the most amazing feelings known, but falling in love again.. that's something out of this world.
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There is something I like about all the guys I talk to. Shizz calls me Lady. It's cute and I like that he has a nick name for me. The only way I know he likes me, though, is because he calls me often and wants to see me. Otherwise, he gives no indication.
Curtis likes to call me Baby Girl. And on the low, he used to be a Crab. I can never ever tell Trixx lol. He's fun and he tells me everything. And I mean everything! Damn. And I'm something totally new for him: He's never dated a white girl. Ahaha that makes it so much more fun. He also says he's never gotten head. He seems like he's telling the truth, but that also seems like a crafty way to get it right away. He's a smart man, so he must know that girls love to be first in those types of things. So am I a sucker? Hehe.
But I still love my baby. I'm so stuck. Everything is so right when he's around. Everything feels good. And when he's not around, everything is wrong. So when he's with me, you won't see me happier. But when he's not around, I feel so down, like someone just died. I don't know how to live like that.
And my other boy. My sweet baby boy, the one I abandoned, is gone. Locked away like a criminal, instead of being helped like the little boy he is. Three of the four people I loved from that time in my life are locked up. First Greg, then Patrick, and now B.
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So last Thursday me and Shawn broke up. I basically said he had to change the way he was treating me or it would be downhill from there and I'd eventually get tired of it. He said now wasn't the time for him to change so he'd just let me go now. I was sad, but at that moment I knew I was doing the right thing. It just got harder, though, as the days went on. I could not stop thinking about him, and it just got harder to deal with as more time past, instead of easier as it's supposed to.
Then, on Sunday, he called me, and our whole conversation was normal and comfortable. He just ignored the fact that we had broken up. And yes, I was delighted to oblige him. And so he called me again that night, monday, and this morning. He said he needed to come get his stuff. I knew right away he was up to something: either some plan to win me back, or some way to get me to want him back. But like a sucker in love I let him come over and gave him a hug. He asked me if I wanted to go outside to blaze up and I said sure and we left. Damn I'm so stupid. So he starts walking and we "somehow" end up on the dock where we first kissed. Haha it hurts how obvious all this is, but I loved every minute of it. Standing there, he asked me if I was cold and put his arms around me. He smelled my hair and said, "Now I have your smell back." We talked for awhile then went back to my apartment and played around on the computer. Then he came and sat next to me on my bed. Being sweet and touching my hair. His arms felt marvelous and warm. I can't remember ever feeling something so good. And so on and so on things escalated. And I become one of those girls who sleeps with her ex-boyfriends.
But I'm definitely not upset. He's mine again. Besides, what girl gets to relive her first kiss with someone she loves? That's what it felt like. We were this one huge electric charge. And the sex, it's as if I've never felt so good in my entire life. I was so scared that it was really over, and I'd never get that again. His sex. Him.
On another note, I've had a revelation. All the people in this world who are insane, mentally disturbed, depressed, paranoid, introverted, addicted to substances, etc., are that way because they feel the world too much. We all feel the world to a certain extent. Every person's level of feeling is different. They have felt so much that it has forced them insane or addicted, to varying degrees. To cure this, we take medications that make us colder to the world. It sounds bad, but it is necessary for survival to be cold.
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1stladyofluck's journal
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